Holocaust Diet Plan

The Holocaust Diet Plan

   I see fat people, a lot.  They're everywhere.  At KFC, McDonalds, Arby's, Wal-Mart, and other obvious places.  But then there are places like Whole Foods, which seem to have mostly healthy food, yet Oprah seems programmed to find the most bodily harming food in the entire store.  They're overwhelming America, the country I'm completely gay for (Uncle Sam, our relationship needs to be brought out into the open).  We need a solution, and what I'm about to propose (hopefully I didn't give too much away with the title) may be just that.

Fat finding

   This is probably the easiest part.  The average fat person will be easy to spot.  You'll be able to immediately determine who's obese by their telltale roundness, eating habits, and size.  And in case you happen to be blind (and reading this somehow, you sorcerer) you maybe able to tell a fat person apart from a regular person by feeling for large amounts of soft, useless mass.  Please make sure it's not a giant stuffed animal.

Pictured above: Your average fat person.

      Once you've determined that a person is fat, using my complicated guidelines provide above.  Report them to authorities.  I hope over 60% of all military and police will be dedicated to marking the fatties.  All obese people must wear a truffle shuffle patch on their clothing at all times.  If they don't it will result in some sort of cheap punishment (like bullets, very cheap).  You also will be entitled as a citizen to make sure that people in size 30 pants are wearing their patch.  This will also help later, when the fath-ering begins.

 Fath-ering

   Okay, it's almost like it sounds, and if you guessed fathering, you're wrong.  Fath-ering is fatty gathering.  The best way this is done is to once again, check places like McDonalds and Burger King.  Social gatherings  may also be a good (and ironic) place to grab them.  This is the part we as good skinny, average, slightly above average weighted people will have nothing to worry about.  We also don't have to do anything except report the fats, as mentioned before.  So don't be alarmed when you see tons of a person being dragged out of their favorite McDonalds.  But that's in the later stages of the fath-ering process.

    At first, all the dozen doughnut dominators will be allowed to voluntarily turn themselves in for the beginning stage of fath-ering.  This will prove beneficial for them, because they will be allowed to grab whatever food we're not going to give them during their relocation to the ghettos, a suburban neighborhood consisting of cheap single story, 2 bedroom, and 1 bathroom housing.  This should help keep track of them, as well as break their spirits.

Though they may find ways to keep their spirits up.

   Hopefully the new camps that they will all be placed in will be all up and running shortly after everything begins.  Then we can sleep safely at night knowing that America's problem will soon starve.

Moving them?

   So you're probably saying "Will, I never knew you were this fucked up" or "How do we move that much weight from one place to another quickly?".  The answer is trains.  I thought about using airplanes, but they have a weight capacity.  Trains are the best answer, the average train car can fit at least 20 fat people, instead of a 100 attractively sized people.  Of course we will need to build trains that are much more powerful, the strongest train at the moment while carrying 20 cars loaded with fatties will only travel at 15 mph.  

   Once we build the proper transportation devices (awesome fucking trains), the obese will be lured out of the ghettos with what I will presume to be twinkies or donuts.  And probably rifles.  I mean ruffles.  The ghettos will be very close to the train tracks, about 500 feet away from the farthest house.  So making them all walk should take about 30 minutes to fath-er them into the boarding area.  They will all be separated into lines: old, young, healthy, sick, and one ton-ers.  All "healthy" facks (fat fucks) will do lots and lots of manual labor for no pay, like Malaysian sweatshop workers.  The one ton-ers will be drilled for oil.  And the sick, elderly, and young will probably be murdered.  Either way this leads to...

Concentration Famps.

    See what I did there?  I combined fat and... never mind.  These fatcilities (see what...) will be where we will have tons of fun.  This is where it will seem that everything has taken a turn for the worst for the fat people.  They will be fed small portions only once a day.  Five will have to squeeze into a ten person bunk.  Constant work and abuse.  A whale-like amount of fat jokes.  Torture via them watching people eat cake.  And of course exterminating whatever ones we don't like by making them watch us bake something delicious in the oven, and putting them in afterward.  

They bake easy.

    Some even try to escape from the famps.  Even if they make it passed the electric fences, guard towers, and dogs, they'll still probably run out of breath after 50 feet.  That will enable our guards to bring them back with a very large dolly.  And on a somewhat related note, if you wish to be a guard just apply.  We'll probably accept anyone with at least 1 year of high school, like any local sheriff office.  We will keep them here for at least a year.  Hopefully we kidnap some heavy set test subjects about a year earlier then the plan itself.  Because the goal is...

Refatshion

   Fuck it, you should know what I mean by now.  After it's all over, there should be no more meaty people in America.  Every potbellied person will either be dead or not fat.  We can then assimilate them once again into American culture and society.  They will arise from the ashes, not as pudgy people, but as skinny as the hottest E! celebrities.

Left: Angelina Jolie Right: Brad Pitt

 There will be people who care about human life... It's okay because...

Harboring huskies

   Don't even try, fat people are way too hard to hide.

In the end  

    We will be one true race of non-weighty men and women.  The world will be next.